You Are Enough

As I walked into the large opened wooden doors in my brown skirt and cream Peter Pan collared button-up shirt, I felt so small. Why did my mother enroll us into this school? I stood about 4’ feet and not so many inches and it felt like I was engulfed by the huge space and the swarm of other students dressed in their cream tops or honor roll gold t-shirts and mostly brown-colored pants or skirts. Not only were my former school colors just better looking, but they also weren’t sad colors. I mean who wears brown bottoms on purpose?

I continued walking alone at this point as my siblings and I were separated to go into the different classes. I looked in my brother's direction and noticed some of the girls wore plaid skirts. I remember thinking well, at least I could work my way up to something better looking. Finally, I made it to my class. I’ve never been shy but I’ve always been quiet and observant. I let people think I’m shy though. I found a row of 4th graders that weren’t quite as packed as the other row and tried to slip in except I was stopped by a couple of 4th-grade students. They glared at me up and down and said, you don’t belong here. Your class is over there. I looked over to where they pointed and I could swear those children were at most 2nd graders. I remember thinking, that’s rude. But I stood there quietly and unafraid. I also internally rolled my eyes. I was already tired of people judging me by my height. I’ve always been short. Apparently it’s never made me uncomfortable as it has my counterparts. It felt like a minute went by but it was probably 5 seconds tops. The teacher told them to let me sit down and after initially answering back that I was in the wrong grade, I finally spoke and said, this is 4th grade, right? The teacher affirmed what I already knew and the students dumbfounded allowed me through. I took my seat as chapel came to order and orientation day began. This was going to be a long day. I hate this stupid school.

A lot of those first few days and a lot of first days for me for the rest of my life I was challenged for being too short, too young, too eager, too light-skinned, too black, too ‘white speaking’, too serious, too confident, too nonchalant, too mature, too talented, too spoiled oh and did I say too short?

A lot of my experience really led to thoughts that made me question if I was not enough. Was my boundary-keeping, straight-talking, quiet being, whiteness unworthy of being in the presence of others? Doubtful but people sure did try to make me feel that way. I don’t know what lent itself most to me becoming the self-made entrepreneur I am today exactly but I can share a few things that helped:

My faith is tremendous. I’m not quite sure how it got there but it is great. I also have a very strong 2-parent household that taught me to stand up for myself, to fight fairly and that nothing was wrong with being educated and black. (The latter being an entire other blog post so do not get me started down that rabbit hole) I have had some supportive teachers along the way, encouraging aunts and other extended family members and friends of my parents and jumping forward to today, positive friends and a supportive spouse. Things have not been perfect or easy nor do I feel like I have arrived at the pinnacle of success and education. However, I value where I am. Ask me that question again.

Am I enough?

Hell yes!

It’s mid- April. The entire country is in isolation. Quarantined to our homes which feel like they become smaller and smaller with each passing day. Every week is beginning to feel like it’s the last week we can stay pent up. Then, there are a few of us going about business as usual. The majority though has been taking these moments to re-evaluate their lives. After all, some people are spending a lot of time with themselves during this period. While some people are spending it with their families, some unhappily doing so. Regardless of your scenario, many people continue this internal process in an attempt to figure out who they are. Unsettling answers they’ve found within themselves lead to this repeated question and then some:

Am I enough?

Is that why I’m lonely?

Why do I not have close friendships?

Are my close friendships fulfilling?

Am I to blame for why my friendships aren’t fulfilling?

Is My stuff is too much stuff for my friends to handle?

Is there trust in this relationship?

Why does my job suck so much?

Why am I single?

I. Hate. It. Here.

We have had some version of these questions swirling in our minds. If COVID-19 was not the instigator then perhaps something else led you down this introspective path. Either way, you are here now. An empty vessel waiting to be filled; needing to be filled. Your cup is empty.

An empty cup will feel empty. An empty cup can’t be satisfied when empty. An empty cup will feel alone because what’s a cup for if it’s not holding something. An empty cup can’t fill anyone else. Yet, the simple fact that you are here is the very reason why you are enough. But for those still unsure, here are a few tips to fill your cup.

1.  Find your ‘thing’. Think of a moment when you were happy. What were you doing? Is that thing safe, healthy and respectful? If it is, chances are you can do your thing again and it will bring some glimmer back into your eyes. (Fishing, doing hair, crossword puzzles, organizing your or other people’s things, etc.)
2. Create and recite your mantra. I have shared this tip before but that’s because it is awesome with filling your cup. It places positives thoughts in your mind intentionally until it becomes habitual. Change your thinking, change your behavior.
3. Celebrate your wins! You spend time beating yourself up but show disdain for the things you do well. What’s that about? Are you a glutton for punishment? Put your T-Pain song on and pump the volume all the way up because, after one celebrated win, your body will want to celebrate more and more. When you fail and drown in your sorrows in your failure, it’s a pity party that does nothing but deflate your balloon or to keep up with my analogy, you pour one out your glass and there you go an emptier cup.

I’m here to let you know that you have the power to change things. You may not see the power today but it’s there. You may not be able to do it on your own. You may need a sounding board and that’s what a therapist is for. Self-help books are great, Ted talks are great and many other resources available are great. If you like to process things by talking, you are better and faster served by connecting with someone. While, I’m just one therapist, there are so many people out there that can serve you. Feel free to contact me or search for yourself. Awesome therapist finding tools are PsychologyToday.com, therapyforblackgirls.com or contact your insurance company. Additionally, MDLIVE provides care for almost all insurance companies across the entire country. They even accept EAP for those seeking brief solution-focused therapy. There is MeMD for therapeutic support.

Let’s recap!

When you question whether you are enough:

1. Find your ‘thing’.
2. Create and recite your mantra
3. Celebrate your wins!

Happy searching!