Unclear Feelings

Dear Linneá,

I have never been married but I have two children by the same guy and he and I have been dating on/off for almost 10 years. When things are good, they are really good. We talk out our future, our home, our family, traveling together and spending the holidays together. We don’t live together now but early on in our relationship after our 6yo was born, we lived together for about a year.
When we broke up, he moved out and has never moved back in even though we have dated again several times over the past 3 more years. Our children ask me when their father is coming home to stay especially our 6yo since he somehow has some memories of his dad being in our home together. The thing is we are currently off and I know he is dating someone else. He isn’t the type of guy to be on social media or anything but from our mutual friends social media pages ( I semi stalk them), I keep seeing one girl next to him. I can’t really tell if he and the girl are together but my gut tells me they are and I get a sense from our communication that he only speaks with me as is related to the children. It hurts my heart so much and I don’t want to see him leave me for good but I don’t know what to say to him. Can you help me tell him that we need him here and not with her? 

- Unclear feelings in Utah

Dear Unclear,

Sometimes I wish I could have more information in the letter so I can know how to better advise you but let me start by asking you this. Are you in love with him or are you in love with the idea of him? From your letter it seems like you want to share your feelings for him because he is with someone else as opposed to you wanting to share your feelings before that other girl existed. Another question to ponder is what are your feelings for him exactly? It sounds like you first need to identify what you’re feelings are for him before you communicate anything. Perhaps this is the biggest thing. Getting an understanding of your true feelings so you can be clear on what you need to convey when you do communicate with him. 

I also wonder why you have been off/on with him. Was cheating involved? Was it just bad timing? Did either of you change your minds about the commitment in your relationship? These questions are all valid and the answers to these will also help you determine if a relationship with him is best for you. 

As for the children, the most you can say is that daddy and mommy are trying to figure out what is best for them. That’s all you can offer them until you become clearer on what you truly want from the relationship yourself. Hopefully those answers will make you decisive and when you are there, then you can share with him what you are truly feeling and what you desire from your relationship with him. Know yourself, share your feelings and go from there. 

I hope this was helpful. Take care,

Linneá Willis, LCPC, LPC