Rough Patch

Dear Linneá,

I am going through a rough patch in my marriage. I don’t think I love him any more. It’s not that he is not a good person but things recently have not been the same. I guess in order for you to have an idea of what’s going on I need to give you a little more of the backstory. While we dated, I cheated on him on and off. He never knew about it until we were about to get married and I had a confessing session. Regardless of that, he knew that I stopped which I had and I told him that I wouldn’t do it anymore. Recently I have been feeling disinterested in our marriage. I do continue to view him as a really good friend and a good partner in life. He just does not excite me. I don’t know how to tell him that. He does seem intentional about trying at times and other times he really is a bore. Luckily we don’t have any children and I am still not sure if I do want to have any children. He wants to have kids and I have made up every excuse in the book to avoid having children. Maybe it’s because I don’t see him as my forever anymore. And Honestly I’m not sure if I ever did. What should I do? Where do I go from here?

Rough Patch in Rhode Island

Dear Rough Patch,

I have a few questions for you. My first Question to you is did you ever really see him as your forever? I am interested in identifying what you felt led you to believe that he would make a great life partner. Next couple questions are: Do you feel like that has changed for you? Why did you cheat on him while you were dating? 

The support that I have for you is this: you need to do a self inventory of what you desire in a marriage, if your desire in marriage has changed at all, and what it will take for you to be committed to that marriage. I would question your level of commitment not only to him but also just to further assess if you have any issues with commitment in other areas of your life. Finally, the fact that you do not want to have children is not alarming in itself. I am finding more and more that some people are Indifferent to having children and other people just delay when they want to have kids. Perhaps you should look at it from the perspective of whether you want kids at all versus whether you want kids with him. The answer to that could actually be different and that is important to note. 

Be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and in the most transparent way possible share your decision with your husband. Perhaps this inventory is something you may find difficult to do on your own. And that is okay. You can utilize couples therapy/relationship therapy to help. If you need support while you process, a licensed therapist in your state can also provide that for you. Take a deep look at yourself and do what you think will work best. I wish you the best. 

Linneá Willis, LCPC, LPC