Married, but living apart

Dear Linneá,

I have heard this many times before but I’m not positive that it makes sense. I’ve been married for six years and we do not have any children. We are very happy in our marriage so that is not the issue or concern. My wife was recently offered a job in a different state and she took it. We have been living apart now for almost one year. I have a fantastic job currently where I stay. My wife recently got an apartment that is a few minutes away from her job and she has made her apartment her new home. Since we live just a few hours apart from one another, we try to spend some weekends together and at the very least we see each other once a month. Our marriage is going well. My wife has no complaints about it or so it seems and I’m fine with the way things are.


The only issue I have is that other people from the outside are sharing their opinions about our relationship. A lot of people are saying that we should not live apart and definitely not for this length of time. My parents are concerned that we live apart and how it "threatens" our marriage. My father believes that my wife is having an affair and that is why she’s very happy living apart for me. I have no reason to think that my wife is having an affair and I have asked her out rightly and she has denied it. We shared a quick laugh about it and that was that. I have not even felt inclined to cheat on my wife. We do not have any set plans on when we are going to live together and we do not see a need to rush into that at this time. Things have been working out quite well for us and our income as a unit is the most it has ever been since we have been married. I guess my question is I’m not sure what I should say to my parents when they ask me and I’m really getting tired of having to answer anyone's questions at all. - Living Separately in LA -

Dear Living Separately,

I am actually being asked this question more and more. I’m not sure what is happening but it is coming up often that people who are married are living apart sometimes from living as far as one coast to the other! As we know, there are military families where spouses and children are separated from their spouse/parent that serves in a different country. So, this scenario has always existed but I would not say that this is a new norm. I’m not certain the purpose of being married if you intend on living apart. I guess my understanding of marriage is very traditional in that marriage is between two people who intend on living together under the same roof till death do them part. I have actually been in a similar circumstance when my spouse was offered a job in a different state which led to him moving and living away for a period of four months without me. I had a great job where we both lived and worked before but he was given an opportunity that he could not pass up and it was the best decision for our family. I eventually moved when it was best for me to transition which was really when our lease ended at our other place. I remember warding off questions from our family and I remember stating to our families that we will live together eventually and shared our move-in plan. My husband wanted me to move sooner rather than later but there are some marriages where it may not be a great concern to move in immediately or even create a plan to do so. 

What I will say is that you have to do what works for your marriage. Tell your family what you find necessary to share, but just know that they will continue to ask until they feel confident with the answer you have provided. Your family cares about you, your wife and the well-being of your marriage whether you have children or not. This is a good thing. However, do create appropriate boundaries by calmly reminding your parents that while you value their opinion, you and your wife's decisions are what works best for your marriage now and that if there is anything you need including their support, you'll be sure to let them know. Do a check-in on your marriage with a therapist. My thoughts are that your marriage resembles a business relationship and what you both can get out of the marriage moreso than the other part of what a marriage represents which is a strong intimate relationship. However, that does not mean that you want more or have more in your marriage than what appears to the naked eye. Even if your relationship seems to be more business minded at this time, that type of relationship works for many people and perhaps is a good fit for you and your wife. Have a long-term goal plan with your wife and see how she feels. This is a good time to truly explore your feelings about living apart and how it may or may not be affecting your marriage. Be mindful that people continue to develop and grow in mind so the time spent apart may make it more difficult to grow together as a unit versus functioning as two completely different parts that make up one whole. Either way this topic would be great to discuss in your marriage check-in/check-up meeting.

I wish you the best.

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