Married and on vacation without my wife

“I'm married to a great woman. She's attractive, smart and a great homemaker. Most of my friends are single and still looking for their one. Sometimes I feel like I made a great decision to marry Tara (not her real name). Other days, I'm not interested in her at all. I want to say it's because she's not as confident of a woman as I would like her to be,
but that's not something she can change, is it? I don't plan on cheating on her or anything like that. Most of my friends would probably wish to be in my position and be married to a beautiful woman. So, I should stay with her, right? Even though she may not be my soul mate? 

My friends have a trip coming up. They have asked me if I want to be there. Actually, I was invited to the beach weekend getaway by an old friend aka former girlfriend, Kerri. Her sister and the whole friend group want to get together. My wife was not invited, which I feel indifferent to. I’m not sure if I should tell Tara about the trip because I don’t know if I even want to attend. Tara may not care that she was not invited, especially if she thinks it's my old group of friends. 

The problem is that I am still very attracted to Kerri. I remember when Kerri and I dated, we would talk for hours, some times blowing off other plans with friends, mostly during the early stages. Our relationship felt healthy and strong but with distance and having different goals for our lives, we broke things off and decided to remain friends. The sex was mind blowing. Just writing about it now brings those vivid memories back. 

If I go, it really would be just to be in Kerri's presence. I still find her so interesting and our years apart have made me even more interested. I want to know everything about her. Is that wrong? What should I do?” Undecided in Hunt Valley, MD

Good Day Undecided,

Every marriage should have particular rules about boundaries and expectations for relationships with everyone. If there are no boundaries and expectations, then I would recommend working on them. Based on agreed upon boundaries and expectations, you can act accordingly. If this is a new situation and your marital rules do not apply, have an open conversation with your Tara about it. Not doing so can create other problems that could be avoided by having an open discussion with her.

I do believe in being upfront about relationships and situations in an effort to “shun the appearance of evil”, so to speak. Tell your wife about the trip, what your thoughts are and how this decision is interwoven with the expectations within your marriage and make your decision based upon that.

Now for this Kerri situation. Talk about your unfinished business! Does Tara know about Kerri? I mean if you're honestly saying you do not intend on cheating on your wife, then refer to what I said above, but if Kerri got it like that, then stay far away from this trip! Unfinished business is fun and sexy and appealing, but when you are married it is a huge tempting situation that is not worth risking your marriage over. If you truly are considering divorce, then seek marital counseling. I am a strong contender for working through marriages unless abuse is present. Does not sound like there is abuse in your marriage, so I would recommend a marriage tune-up.

I feel like you may be asking me about Kerri and what you should do with your relationship with her now that you are married, but I do not want to overstep my boundaries. Email me back if you do need advice on how to deal with Kerri.

Hope this helps!