How to Cope with Uncomfortable Holiday Conversations

‘Looks like someone gained a few pounds since the last family event. What have you been eating?’ ‘You certainly don’t need any more alcohol. Can somebody go get him some water?’ ‘Did you vote? Who did you vote for? You better vote republican!’ ‘Where’s my grand baby? You still haven’t gotten pregnant?!’ ‘So, that’s your friend, huh? You know homosexuality is a sin, right?’

Oh yes, the joy of family getting together. What is it about family gatherings that make some family members feel like it is a place to air out their unwanted grievances, thoughts and political beliefs? Worst part is the belief that if we all don’t have the same beliefs, we are enemies. But family is still family, right?

Sharing your thoughts and opinions about a family member in a public forum has never proven to be helpful. Family interventions with a professional present is the closest to that scenario that yields some positive effects but it is still not ideal. Here are 3 tips to dealing with uncomfortable Holiday conversations: 1. Preparation is key: you may not always have time to prepare and let’s face it, family members can come up with new and improved ways to get under your skin, but still prepare. You prepare by anticipating what may be said and having a comeback. Yes, sometimes you have to fight. Consider what response you can give. Use the examples I gave above and come up with a response you feel comfortable with. Once you have made your witty statement feel free to walk away. This could fend off more inappropriate comments because family would see that you are not going to be pushed around verbally. 2. When you cannot fight, stand firm to your beliefs! You are who you are and your beliefs. You are not a bad person because you have gained weight. You are not a bad person because you suffer from an addiction. These things do not define your entire character. And family does not get a pass to openly judge and criticize you because they are family. 3. Change the scenario - Lead the person into a private setting so a discussion can be held in a non-open forum. Preparation can come in handy here if you find it better to write a letter to that family member and give it to them privately before the comments start. Perhaps your family member is not aware of how their comments affect you, so sharing that may help in some cases. At the very least, you would have effectively communicated your concern and frustrations and it is up to that family member to learn appropriate social decorum. Not yours. Do not take on their issues. Even after all is said and done, it is always good to engage in an activity that can reduce your heart rate. So, use the calm app to engage in a breathing exercise. Take a bath if it is possible. Drink a hot cup of tea. Step away from the stressor. Find a person you trust that you can vent to. Feel free to email me your vents or use a journal. For more anxiety reducing strategies, read my blog for coping skills and other tips for managing your mental health. Happy Holidays!