Spending the Holidays with Stepfamily

It is my belief that the relationship terms with the prefix ‘step’ is seen as derogatory; however, no new term has been created to describe the relationship between children and parents who are not biologically related. So, I will reference these legal relationships for what they have always been identified as: Stepparent and stepchild/stepchildren.  Fabulous. Let’s move on.  

Handling the holidays with stepfamilies can be tricky especially in the case where both biological parents are alive and well and each parent want their child to spend time with them and their families for the holidays. Some parents are able to work out an every other year schedule that works swimmingly. Others may not see their child for the holidays because one parent, usually the custodial parent, denies the other parent and their family from spending time with their child/children. The latter situation is very tough. After years of that, the non custodial parent in lieu of confrontation may allow that to happen without fighting against it. It can be a point of contention. I know because I live it. 

But the question is, ‘ how do we handle these relationships during the holidays in the event that we are able to spend time together?’ Well, it can be tough. The worst part is over! Everyone has decided to have a ‘together’ Christmas. Both biological parents and step parent/step parents and other family have joined in one setting to celebrate together. Now what?

As the biological parents and step parent, it is important to spend time with the family there even if they may not be your blood. It is imperative to always err on the side of caution for all parties involved as spending the holidays together is for the benefit of the child/children and not to push individual agendas. It is also important to have a talk about expectations, if possible prior to the 'together Christmas' or holiday celebration. Expectations include but is not limited to accommodations, meals for the time spent together including Christmas meal, activities, when gifts should be opened, etc. Let’s dive into one of those expectations listed: Activities.

There may be things that the child/children will want to do as a family which will supersede one biological parent’s or stepparent’s expectations and ideas. The best suggestion is for all the parents to present options for activities. With this one list of options, the child can select/circle what they would like to do. Under no circumstances is it necessary to point out which activities you added to the list with the child/children present. Allow the child/children to make a decision guilt-free. Yes, I know it will be hard to refrain from selling your activity as the best activity, but it’s not a competition to win the child/children’s heart. The activity is for the joy of the child, not the parents. So suck it up and remember that this is not about you. Collect your egos and leave them at the door. Additionally, in discussing the activities, parents will want to discuss cost/budget for the activities and the list of activities should be a consensus.  If it is difficult for the parents to decide on the list of activities, then pull the child/children into the discussion and brainstorm what activities they will like to do and after letting them go back to enjoying their time off from school, the parents can sit and discuss what from the options stated can fit into the budget. 

 Effective communication is a must. Be intentional about what you want to communicate. Consider our tone, consider timing and consider your attitude used in delivering your communication. Always keep in the forefront of your mind that regardless of what activities are selected or who is going to cook the meals or what the accommodations will be, that the purpose of the together Christmas is not to flaunt wealth, biology to child/children or not, who has the best ideas or who has custody. Now, this is being written with the idea that all parents involved are of sound mind - Not high on drugs or drunk off alcohol during expectation discussion, etc. I do not think I need to delve into that further. I am sure you get the point. 

And if you are all Christians, start off your expectation discussion in prayer. No one parent will walk away having everything exactly the way they anticipated it being. And no decisions will be finalized by the custodial parent. The decisions to make is for all parties involved and everyone is allowed to have their say, including the stepparent. All. Not 1, or 2 or 3, all 4 parents if there are 4 parents. 

With Christmas being a few short days away, now is the best time for the expectation discussion so that all parties can prepare. Happy Holidays! If you need additional support or tips, feel free to contact me directly for life coaching. See website for details.