Video Review - Rethinking Infidelity

This video was a mere scratch on the surface of all the factors that go into infidelity but she accomplished so much in the time provided. Esther Perel is a married Psychotherapist from Belgium whose area of expertise and studies involve the need for security and freedom in human relationships. She became an international advisor in relationships and sex and gave two TED talks. Her most recent TED talk was in May 2015 and this is video provided above. 

A few key notes that stuck out to me are as follows:

1. Infidelity is universally forbidden and yet universally practiced. It is not just your marriage where infidelity exists or has occurred. Marriages experience infidelity everyday. Even the Bible has commandments that speak against infidelity. 1 verse for committing the act and another just for thinking about it.
2. Infidelity makes people believe that if a person has everything at home, then they wouldn’t need to roam. However, what if passion has a shelf life, Perel asks. Infidelity occurs because people are in conflict with their values and their behavior.
3. Curb your curiosity for the details. Instead ask investigative questions to assess meaning and motive. What did the affair mean to you? What is it about the affair that you value? (Etc.)

At the end of the video, I thought of the couples I have seen in therapy and what ways I have been helpful and what value I can add now if I saw these couples again. The most difficult part of couples therapy is working with a couple where one spouse feels that he/she is the victim and the other spouse is the perpetrator and the victim spouse has no issues to fix. The reality is that the victim spouse does experience some loss of self/identity of the marriage because the affair comes as a surprise. I have not seen a couple yet where the victim spouse said I’m not surprised by my spouse’s cheating. While we are aware that cheating can occur, for the most part there is trust in the relationship and the expectation that monogamy will exist. Now, unless there was previous infidelity and trust was lost and not regained, perhaps the expectation of an affair increases in those cases. 

In summary, the way we think about infidelity is deeper than the feelings of betrayal that we experience after finding out about the affair. The way the affair is addressed and the answers to the investigative questions can yield much more productive conversations that can assist with healing if the goal is to remain married. 

If you have any further comments or feedback from the video, I would love to hear them. If you experienced infidelity and need someone to talk to, feel free to email me for tele-therapy support.