Still in love

I am writing this letter because I don’t know what to do. I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me for the past 6 months or so but he doesn’t know that I know. Turns out the other woman he is seeing is my best friend’s cousin. I saw him out with a girl and took a picture of them together. I did not think much of it, but decided to follow them just to make sure their interaction was on the up and up. I texted him and he responded back quickly, so i figured the girl was a family member or friend or some other non-threatening relationship. They did not look like they were being very romantic, but I continued to follow them and noticed she kissed him on the lips when they got to his car. I could not believe he had some girl kissing him! He didn't push her away or anything. He looked like he enjoyed it. I thought, what do I know. I could barely see them. In my anger, I texted the picture to my best friend, Yolanda* venting the entire story and giving her play by play what I saw. When I saw the kiss though, that tore my heart a little. I was about to shake the whole car they were sitting it, until my best friend identified the woman as her cousin, Pam*.

Yolanda says I should end the relationship with him but I was here first! I think her cousin should end things. I don't know what she has said to her cousin about the circumstance but I get a sense that she wants her cousin to keep my man for herself. He is my man! We have built a nice relationship together. This is so annoying and it is certainly not fair. When John* was sick and recovering from pneumonia last year, it was me who nursed him to health. As a teacher, nursing is not directly in my repertoire, but I was there for him when nobody else was and I thought that brought us closer. He tells me he loves me, but is he bored. What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve this? I know he is just my boyfriend, but why should I not hold him accountable for how he hurt me. 
Yolanda did some digging and found out that they have been seeing one another for some time, but now I'm not sure who to believe. I honestly do not know how he has the time to fit us both into his life because he and I spend so much time together. That afternoon I saw him, I had just left his apartment that morning! I had a baby shower to attend and needed to pick up a last minute gift on the other side of town and that's when I caught him.
I am really distraught. I don’t want to be alone and I see so many of my single girlfriends and pity their loneliness. How do I tell my mom that the guy she sees as my future husband is cheating on me. He treats me so well. This is really the only issue we have. I haven't brought anything up to him yet. I’m afraid that if I bring it up to him, he will change or worse yet, dump me! What if he realizes that his relationship with her makes him happier than his relationship with me. I still want him. I think he still wants me. He still tells me he loves me. He hasn't missed a beat! I still love him, but I don’t know what to do. 

Still in love in San Francisco

Dear Still in love,

I can tell from your letter that you are connected to him. Do you feel like this connection is healthy considering that he is cheating on you? Him cheating means he has lied, cheated and disrespected your relationship and possibly have no regard for your sexual health ( if you have sex with him that is).

What I hear most in this letter is how much you undervalue your worth. A lot of people make decisions based on fear versus seeking support/therapy to overcome that fear. My hope is that you can overcome your fears, build up you self-esteem and make a healthy choice. For some, that includes coming clean with him about what you know. For others,that may be letting him go without looking back and feeling relieved. You decide your course. My recommendation is to see a relationship therapist or coach and truly identify what you want for yourself and this relationship. From what you have said, I am uncertain if a kiss is sufficient proof that he is cheating and Yolanda may not have all the information you are seeking. 
Perhaps, John is trying other women out before settling on you as a wife. This is the WRONG way to go about doing so, but you may be surprised to learn how many men and women do that before they say I do. This does not make what he does right, but from how invested you seem in the relationship, it may be best to explore why he did what he did. Lead the conversation with facts. Know your self-worth. Draw healthy boundaries in the relationship. If you were my client, we would work through some relationship vignettes so you can become comfortable with having that difficult conversation. In my experience, walking away will leave a lot of "unfinished business" and you may look back at this and wonder, What if? Do not stretch this time of uncertainty. Figure it out. 
If you need support, reach out to me directly and I will either help you myself or connect you with someone who will. Best wishes. www.lpctservices.com